11:43 AM

Stallion Customs

So, previously I have written about what it takes to be a Saigon Girl, how much work you have to put in before you're allowed to have a chair at your desk or eat at the table with the other humans. So far I am super proud of what I've achieved: up to week 3 and I've still only had one beating.

But today I am going to be writing about other ways you can get involved with us at Saigon Customs if you're a guy. I mean, being an all female crew we can't let you do anything important like make sneaks look beautiful or you know, try and do business or whatever. But if you like intelligent company and you have hot abs or nice eyes or a buzzcut or a massage bed or something along those lines, we have a little hobby farm called the Saigon Stable and we are ALWAYS looking for new specimens. Having animals around is meant to be very therapeutic for people who lead busy, stressful lifestyles like ours, and the Saigon Stallions, as they are known, are a very relaxing distraction from the daily grind of being a kickass bitch 24/7.

Stallion Criteria

Since variety is the spice of life, the best thing about the Saigon Stable is the wide range of specimens that we keep in it. That means y'all stand a fighting chance, provided you follow these simple criteria.

1. Buy us flowers
Girls are like bees as in, they're attracted to pretty, colourful things that smell good. So when you provide us with flowers, what happens? That's right, genius: we make honey.

2. Do the housework

Saigon Stallions know that when they get home to us, we might still be sitting exactly where they left us (in the studio),and that dishes are probably piled high to the roof. Alongside that, the laundry pile probably looks like a small geographical landmark and the kitties need feeding and the fridge is empty and there's no smell of cooking whatsoever.

Well, my Stallion friend, that means shit is getting DONE and that we are making $. So, if you help out by folding the laundry and ordering us pizza, we'll buy you something nice. Like an action man. Or baseball cards. I dunno. Whatever it is that you guys are into these days.

3.Don't stalk.

The true test of a stallion is how he acts around the other stallions. First of all, you can't get jealous when we talk to other stallions because it's all business. Secondly, your scary, wordy texts that go on and on about shit that only you can understand are a major turnoff and many a stallion has lost his stall this way.

4.Shake shake, shake shake shake it.

Seriously. This one is very, very important. Stallions have been promoted for their margarita making skills, as well as their ability to keep the fridge stocked in Corona. We encourage all stallions to include bar experience on their applications.

5. Your name is Travis

Travis Fimmel
I don't know what it is about the name Travis, but it has been my favourite guy's name for like, ever, and somehow every Travis I meet is super duper fine. I think you can change your name at the registry for like under a hundred bucks. This is the equivalent of paying that little bit extra to get your passport application expedited, since we move all applications from people named Travis straight to the top of the application pile.

Stallion Application Form: (please copy, paste and return to us at saigoncustoms@gmail.com)

1. Over the course of a normal first date, how often do you mention your mother? Did she beat you or did she do everything for you? Do you find photos of her in her younger days strangely arousing?

2. How often do you watch porn per week? To answer, please multiply the number of times you watched porn last week by 4 then divide by 28 and round off to the closest whole number to give us a daily average.

3. Were you able to complete the above equation? Please circle one.

YES---------------------NO-------------WHAT'S AN "EQUATION"?

4.Dunlop Volleys + little shorts
a) Oh ya, I love that silhouette sister! *effeminate high five*
b) Um, it makes girls wet...................right?
c) I'd wear them if my arse wasn't so fat
4) Miss Saigon, I've been sitting by the phone for three days waiting for you to call.

5.True or False? Glasses with thick black frames make you look like a totally rad and individual person. Please circle one:

F ------------------ F

6. Megan Fox is

a) smart and beautiful
b) beautiful
c) dumb and beautiful
d) dumb
e) the equivalent of having herpes on my eyeballs, compared to a Saigon Girl

7. In 200 words or less, what can you uniquely bring to the Saigon Stable?

8. Can you respond calmly and gracefully when you are beaten at Scrabble?

Please include a head shot with your application, as well as photos of any private jets, country houses, sneaker collections or other amazing assets you might have. Mixtapes also welcome.

SC Croo!