11:12 PM

Saigon Beauty School

The other day at Saigon School we had beauty class, since there ain't no apprentice that made it to be Saigon ninja without looking super fine. Classes include how to stay skinny and still drink beer and how to get glowing healthy skin even though you sit locked up in the dark in the studio all day, scrubbing sneakers with a one-bristled toothbrush.

The answer is the Saigon Diet, which is all they serve at Saigon Customs. Mostly it consists of greens greens and more greens, then some greens, greens, lots of coffee, clams from the Berlin Mall, more greens, Corona with lime and a whole lot of Nori, or seaweed snacks. I don't know - it's sort of like eating your seaweed wrap instead of lying in it at a health spa all day (like we have time for that). There's also this thing called the Saigon Banquet Hall where we go after Sneaker Church where they have all you can eat. I tell you what: you better not get in the way when they bring the watermelon out, because Miss Saigon will FUCK. YOU. UP. Tonight I saw Miss Saigon dump an old lady in the shrimp salad because she tried to push in line. Manners, you see, are very important to the Saigon Girl.

Step back from the fucking watermelon.